A Dark Addiction
by Moonypiez
Summary: Dirty... That's all he's ever felt, all his life, is dirty... So dirty... The filth started from when he was a child and kept growing. Now, no matter how much he tries, he will never be rid of it...
1. Chapter 1

A Dark Addiction

Disclaimer- Don't own Torchwood… or I wouldn't be on this website would I :D

WARNINGS -Rated M- Mentions rape, self-harm, addiction, overall sadness…

* * *

What Ianto was doing was so utterly human. So weak. So pathetic. He was a puppet. And his memories held the strings. The thoughts. The dreams. The flash backs. They had made him start. But after the flash backs had faded and the thoughts had seized he didn't stop. He didn't stop what he did to escape. He continued to cut into his skin. Metal blade that molded his arm just didn't stop cutting. Blood was pouring from the fresh scars. It should have made him sick to his stomach to do such a thing but it… it made him happy. He felt like a nut case. He was an addict. The addiction being the sorrow that came from cutting. It was more jagged then just having a blade hit your skin. He couldn't just carve, he had to cry too. Right now he was in a Torchwood bathroom. He was never put in this situation before. Usually he was in the safety of his own home but… the addiction was calling for him and he had to cut before he went mad. This dark addiction needed more. And Ianto came. He went to a place where someone could possibly see him doing this. He always kept it so secret. The only person to find out was one of his best friends. An old friend from when he was a child. He had this addiction all his life but no one usually saw it. When his friend found out, he was pitied. He was treated so differently after that and that's what Ianto was trying to avoid. Trying to avoid being different. He just wanted to fit in. Ianto cut and cut. Nothing. Nothing left to give. He didn't feel the blade anymore. It was numb. The emotionless mask he had always wore from the beginning was starting to mold into his face. There was no more tears left to give and no more sorrow that was usually left in its place. The numbness took effect.

_Ianto Jones, 15 years old._

_He was on the floor of his bedroom. Crying. Angry hot tears running down his face. His father was sleeping on his bed, completely exhausted. The thoughts of what had just occurred flooded into Ianto's brain. "I'm disgusting… Feel so dirty. SO FUCKING DIRTY!" Ianto almost tore his skin off as he tried to rub away the filth. He ran into the shower. He scrubbed his skin so hard, he thought it would just rip off. The moaning. His father's moans of pleasure as he… "No! No! NO!" Ianto cried out. "I can't do it anymore! The memories are too terrifying…" Ianto continued to rub his skin harshly which created cuts and blisters. He got out and wrapped himself in a towel. "Still so dirty…" He took out a kitchen knife. He got dressed and ran back into the bathroom, knife still in hand. He pulled his pants leg up and cursed slightly as he drew the knife up his leg. He could feel the pain as the knife traveled past his calf. The pain made him feel alive. He cut to feel something, instead of the numb that was usually there when his father hurt him._

Present day.

The numb. He couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't enough. The memory couldn't even penetrate the barriers that were set in his mind. He remained, with an expressionless face. Then he heard a knock on the door.

"Tea Boy! You still in there? It's been like a fucking hour!" Owen screamed from outside the door. _Oh FUCK! _Ianto thought. He forgot to keep track of time. That's when the door was opened. Ianto felt terror as Owen stepped inside. The fright never reached Ianto's face but the same could NOT be said for Owen. "Ianto! For fucks sake man!" He ran inside and started to clean the blood off Ianto who was still frozen from shock. Owen saw all the other scars. Some overlapping each other. Some fresh but some old. Some were just so impossibly old. Owen couldn't believe it. Someone like Ianto having this kind of secret. Owen was about to call over Jack when Ianto suddenly returned.

"No! Owen please! Don't tell anyone else!" Owen looked at Ianto like he had two heads when he heard this.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T TELL ANYONE! I know I seem like an asshole sometimes-"

"All the time…"

"But I still care about what happens to people, especially the crew here in Torchwood. I would have never guessed that you would ever do something like this! Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY! When people find out about this kinda stuff… They act like you're a piece of thin glass. Like anything they saw will make you fall apart. And I never want to be treated like that… Not again." Ianto confessed and Owen looked in understanding.

"Fine. I won't tell anyone Ianto but only if you promise to stop."

"I can't…"

"And why not?"

"Because it's like an addiction. When I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about doing it later. And when I am doing it, I'm savoring the moment like it's my last. It keeps calling me back to cut again and I can't control myself."

"Ianto, you going to have to speak to some about it. Someone professional."

"Can you do it…?" Ianto asked not wanting to have to tell someone else about this.

"Sure. You can meet me at my flat after work. And trust me, I will be watching you from now on…"

"I figured…"

"How have you managed to shag the boss without him noticing?"

"Hehe… Wouldn't you just like to know," Ianto said smiling.

"Actually yeah I would. I think I might need to get Jacks eyes checked." Owen and Ianto left the bathroom a while later and continued on with their day. Torchwood stayed the same. Ianto still fetched coffee and Owen still gave everyone a hard time. Tosh was translating alien languages and Jack was being the weird, but gorgeous, 51st century man. And Ianto wouldn't change that for the world.

A/N-Its 6:45AM and I haven't had any sleep yet since 10AM yesterday, technically. I wrote this quickly because I was bored… DON'T JUDGE ME! :D Anyways, I ended it as a one shot because I really don't want to start a multi chapter story yet… If you want me to continue and make this a chapter story then write a review and tell me to. PEACE OUT PEOPLE!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"I used a Perception Filter," Ianto stated as Owen started in disbelief.

"You use a perception filter and Jack doesn't see the scars… Where did you get a perception filter?" Owen asked.

"Found it in the archives one day."

"So you're a clever little tea-boy I see." Owen joked. "Can't believe that worked on Jack…" Ianto nodded in agreement. "I am going to be rubbish at this… so umm when did you start cutting…?"

_Ianto Jones, 6 years old. _

_Rhiannon ran away today. She couldn't take it anymore. The beatings were getting even more frequent now. Ever since mummy died… Dad just… stopped loving us. Rhiannon said something like he 'couldn't cope' but I don't understand what she means. I could hear them screaming downstairs. Rhiannon yelled something about him coming home drunk and I heard a loud noise. Daddy smacked her. She ran up the stairs and into her room. She slammed the door. The noise hurt. It was full anger and sadness. Footsteps. Heavy footsteps. Daddy's footsteps. Walking up the stairs. Down the hall. Into my room. Why my room. He had a bottle. He slammed it on the side of my bed. Glass shards everywhere. He grabbed me like a puppet. Dragged me through the glass. Yells. My yells. Shrills. Echoing off the walls. Bouncing around the house. Rhi was gone the next day. I swam. More like drowned. In a puddle of my own tears. I can't blame her for leaving. I would have left too. If daddy didn't lock the doors. And the windows. He kept me locked in the house. I was taken out of school too. Daddy told people that I was being home schooled. It was torture. So much horror packed inside one house. All of it now in my brain. I was locked into my bedroom. I couldn't leave. So many locks. I found a knife one day. On purpose I fear. I shoved it under the lamp that was right of my bed. Keep the knife. Maybe it will have some use. To run away like Rhi. I have to escape. Can't take much more. Daddy came in an hour later. Punched me. Knuckles like stone. Bruises everywhere. Every bone in my body stung. When daddy was gone I was still there. Locked up in my bedroom. Surviving. Barley. My hand found the knife. But my fingers shook so much, the knife fell. It clattered on the floor. A drop of blood spilled on top of it. There was a slit on my arm. It felt… good. The pain the knife gave him. It wasn't like the pain dad gave. It was different. And nothing ever changed in this place. Same room. Same clothes. Same daddy. Different pain. The different pain gave him excitement, when nothing else could. _

Ianto stared at Owen. Stone cold eyes glazed over Owen's worried ones. The memory still gave him numbness. Just like the knife now did. Craving. The addiction is back. It wants. Ianto suddenly looked around in fear. _Fear _Owen thought. That's new. That's bad actually.

"Ianto. Are you okay?" Ianto launched up from the couch and ran into the other room. The kitchen. "Ianto! FUCKING STOP!" Ianto opened a random drawer. A knife. _No. No. No. No. _Owen thought as he ran through the door. Too late. The knife was already in Ianto's skin. Too late. He was just always too late. Just like Katie. "IANTO!" Owen grabbed the knife and threw it into the sink. Ianto looked back at Owen. Shattered. His eyes making him look completely broken.

"Just sit on the couch and I'll make you some tea… or something." Owen said, voice getting lower as the sentence went on.

"Owen your tea is shit," Ianto replied back. "I'll make it." Owen showed him where the stuff was and Ianto did his Tea-boy magic. When he finished they went back to the other room and sat in silence. "So… you never answered my question Ianto."

A/N- Friend reading perverted fan fic while typing… SCARED… Also I was sick so this came out late. Thanks for reading… Review, follow, favorite, kill I don't care :D


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

_A/N- Ianto is 4 years old in flashback… Doesn't know what some things are like steering wheels… :D Yet there are something's I wrote that he should not know about… ANYWAY_

_Disclaimer- Don't own Torchwood and did not invent ice cream… unfortunately _

_Warnings- Panic Attack (Which I had to do much research for and it still came out badly)_

Ianto gulped. He hated talking about this. The flash back was floating around in his mind.

"One a day, I was sitting in my bedroom and a knife fell from my desk. It sliced open my wrist. It was painful but exciting. So I started cutting." Ianto said. There was some truth in that… right?

"Why does it feel like I'm hearing half a story here Ianto?" Owen asked.

_Because you are _Ianto thought. "Well, that's all that happened…"

"How old were you?"

"Six years old…" Owen frowned. So young.

"Let me see your arms," Owen instructed and Ianto pulled up his sleeve. "Well then that's impossible. There are some scars here that are older than that." Owen pointed one out. "That one looks like it has been there since you were around four."

_Ianto Jones, 4 years old_

_Mummy died today. And that's when everything changed. Daddy was crying when we had the funeral. We were all crying. Mummy and I were in the car. She was singing along to the radio. I was laughing in the back seat and started singing along too. That's when it happened. A black truck was speeding down the road. There were lights and sirens everywhere. That's when it hit us. I flew back into my seat and my mummy flew forward. I had seen stuff like this in movies. Usually a bag flew out of that wheel in the front but it didn't happen here. My mummy slammed her head and then the windows broke. I dodged what I could but some glass still hit me. Made a couple cuts on my arm. Red stuff came out of the slits. It hurt. But mummy got it worse. So much worse. All this was happening in a matter of seconds. The siren got closer and screeches of tires could be heard. People surrounded my car. I was the first one taken out. They put me in the ambulance and drove off. All I could do was scream. Scream for my mum. Yelled for them to let me see her. They put a mask over my mouth so I could breathe easier. It forced me to stop talking. I could hear things coming from the radio. 'Air bag malfunction.' What does that mean? I continued listening. 'The women in the car is dead.'_

"Ianto?" Owen asked. Ianto looked back at Owen. "You spaced out there for a sec…"

"Yeah…" Ianto said and gulped down some air. It felt harder to breathe. Like he was in that car crash again. The truck was coming. And he couldn't do anything to stop it. And his mum. He would never see his mum again. He started hyperventilating. He wanted to run away. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't see his mum so beaten and bloody again. His vision started turning black. He couldn't see. He didn't want to. He started trembling and before he knew it, Owen was beside him. He was trying to calm him down.

"Ianto?"

"She's going to die! Die again and I can't do anything!" Ianto said panicking. Owen then realized that he triggered a panic attack. A/N- he's a doctor and only then does he realize :D

"Who's going to die Ianto?" Owen remembered taking a course on this in school.

"My mum. She's going to die!" Ianto said, breathing even faster than before.

"Ok Ianto. Please listen. You need to control your breathing before you pass out." Owen put his hand on Ianto's back and he started to calm down a little bit. "Ianto you're having a panic attack… Is it a flash back?"

"Oh not another panic attack…" Ianto grimaced.

"You've been having panic attacks and you didn't tell me!" Owen said raising his voice. Which was, ultimately, the wrong thing. Ianto was hyperventilating again and his head was burning hot. "I'm sorry Ianto. Just… Please tell me what's wrong."

"My mum and I were in a car crash when I was four… She died!" Owen hugged him as Ianto started crying.

"It's okay…" Owen said. "I'm not going anywhere." After a while Ianto had calmed down slightly. But he was still clinging to Owen like a frightened child. "Ianto, let go of me for a sec."

"….Stay…please…" Ianto said looking up at Owen in fear.

"I'll come back, I just need to get a wet towel to cool your head off." Owen quickly wet a towel and ran back. He sat back on the couch and used the cloth on Ianto's head and neck. "Ianto, you said that you have had a panic attack before. Were you with anyone when it did?"

"No. I was always alone…" Ianto said and went back to hugging Owen.

"That's rough…" Owen said. "I've had a panic attack once… I was alone. After… never mind. It doesn't matter." After a while, Ianto was fine. Owen led the tired Welshman to the bedroom. _Might as well let him sleep here for the night. Don't want to leave him out of my sight. _Owen thought. Ianto got comfortable in Owens bed and fell asleep. Owen found a couple blankets and got settled on the couch. Owen would have called Jack and told him that Ianto wasn't going into work tomorrow, but if he did he was pretty sure Ianto would send a weevil after him. Ianto always loved work. Maybe it was an escape for him.

A/N- Did this when family came over… Bad idea but whatever… Review, favorite, follow… again I don't care what you do. More for this story coming soon. You'll just have to wait :D If there are any spelling errors... sorry :)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N- I know… It has been awhile… I have NO IDEAS for this story… So I wrote this anyway :D

Disclaimer- I don't own Torchwood but I do own my face so…. Yeah!

Ianto would go talk to Owen every Tuesday and Thursday. They didn't want anyone to get suspicious that they were being nice to each other…. Ianto ended up telling Owen everything. He knew he had to do it. He had to go through all the memories again. It was painful having to say them out loud. Painful to see the pity written out on Owens face. The pity that was coming out in waves. Owen was treating him the same at work but sometimes Owen would sneak in a smile. A smile saying that everything was ok. It was driving Ianto mad. No one ever cared about Ianto in his life. It felt strange to know Owen was looking out for him. Ianto was starting to get used to Owen and the kindness that was being given to him. When Ianto talked to Owen about his childhood, sometimes Owen would talk too. Just a little bit. But after a while, Ianto could piece it all together. Owens mother never loved him. Never liked him. His father died shortly after Owen was born. His mother became a drunk. She was never around but when she was, she told Owen things that would create the mask of sarcasm that he now always wore. He couldn't trust anyone. He couldn't get close to anyone. When he did, it ended in pain and agony. His mother died of alcohol poisoning when Owen was a teenager. When Owen met Katie… He thought he met someone that he could always trust. Met someone that he could always love and be loved in return. But he was too late to save her. Too late to catch the alien that was going to destroy his and her life. Owen was starting to trust Ianto. Ianto broke through all the barriers Owen had. He was finally starting to have an actual friend. One that he could share every secret with. Then he was shot. Ianto remembered seeing him crumple to the ground. He stood to the side as everyone crowded around him. He was shocked. He couldn't breathe. Ianto was dying on the inside. He couldn't move. He stood there as Jack whispered Owens name. They were all hoping that his eyes would just open up. And everything would be okay. But this is Torchwood. It's alien, but not foreign enough. _Owens dead_. The words repeated in Ianto's mind.

* * *

Owen lied on the autopsy bay. Ianto looked at him. Tears were streaming down his face. Everyone else had gone home. They were all dealing with Owens death differently. Gwen and Martha had gone home to take comfort in their partners. Tosh had actually went to a bar and gotten drunk. Owen was the only real friend Ianto had in Torchwood. Ianto didn't even trust himself at this point. He was losing everything all over again. Ianto felt a pair of arms encircle him from behind. It was Jack. Ianto couldn't hold the tears back any longer. He turned around and collapsed into Jack. He was sobbing loudly and Jack just hugged him lovingly.

* * *

Ianto woke up in Jacks bed. He could hear Jacks loud snoring next to him. All that passed Ianto's mind was the fact that Owen was dead. In Torchwood, it isn't that surprising. No one lives long enough when you work there. You never get to live to a ripe old age. Ianto couldn't handle the pressure of it all. Jack was still passed out on the bed so Ianto went to go make some coffee. He came out of the man hole and started walking over to where all the coffee was. He could feel it. The voices screaming. It was yelling at him. It pushed until it broke Ianto. He took out his old switchblade and started to cut his arm. He hadn't done this since he started talking to Owen about it. But Owen was gone and he needed something. The pressure of it all… The blood rose and spilled out of the line that formed onto his arm. Tears were coming down his face and he could feel the pain. The emotional pain of it all came tumbling out. The numbness was like a distant memory. He continued making jagged lines until he heard something behind him. The blood was starting to puddle onto the ground. Drip by drip. Suddenly the knife was ripped from Ianto's grasp and he was staring into the mortified face of Jack.

"Ianto! Holy shit! What are you doing!?" Jack yelled. Anger turning into fear. Ianto just stared at Jack, tears brimming on his red rimmed eyes.

"He's dead…" Ianto said as if it finally sunk in. Jack looked at him compassionately and took a towel to wipe his bleeding arm. Jack stared at all the other scars on Ianto. Jack couldn't believe it. Ianto was always closed off but Jack never imagined this. Ianto was crying again. He cursed at himself for the fact that he couldn't put the emotionless face back on. Jack hugged him and brought him over to the couch. Ianto fell down onto the cushions and Jack sat down with him. Jack cuddled with the weeping Ianto. He just held the shaking frame of the man trying to comfort him.

"Ianto… why were you cutting your arm? Where are all those scars from?" Jack asked when Ianto had calmed down. Ianto had told him everything. What happened with his childhood and what was going on with Owen. He had broken down a couple times during his story but Jack just listened and tried his best to comfort him. When Ianto was done Jack looked at him. With pity. Pity. That one thing that made Ianto want to die on the inside. Why did people have to ALWAYS pity him! _Oh yeah. _ Ianto thought

_Because I'm an emotional wreck… _Jack kissed Ianto on the lips passionately.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" When Ianto didn't answer, Jack wasn't very surprised. Jack dropped the subject and they just cuddled on the couch, holding each other.

A/N- When I started writing this I had no ideas... I was sitting for like 2 hours trying to think of something to write... Hope you like :D


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A/N - IM SO SORRY! I didn't mean to not update! Schools starting soon and this last month had been hell! Also I just gotta idea so u know... Deal with it :) this chapter is based off of something that happened in my life. BASED! Not completely true. Also if ur my friend that was part of this... I couldn't think of anything! And how the hell did you find me on this website. Anyways enjoy.

Disclaimer- don't own Torchwood! Why do I bother putting this up anymore? No one's surprised...

Chapter 5

Torchwood now housed an immortal time agent, a broken Welshman, Janet the weevil, and a zombie doctor. Jack used the resurrection glove and Owens back. But of course he fucked something up. Now Owen isn't dead but he isn't technically alive either. After Owen 'killed' Death they started to meet up again. Jack would come with sometimes. Most times. Ianto could tell that he was scared. Scared that he would wake up and Ianto wouldn't be there next to him. Scared that Ianto would be in his grave instead. Ianto had this one specific memory stuck in his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about it.

_Ianto Jones, 17 years old_

_2 AM on Thursday_

_I can't get to sleep. All I can do is roll around until my alarm clock goes off or I finally pass out from exhaustion. The pain still lingers from before. My dad got really angry tonight. He wouldn't stop punching. I could smell the alcohol pouring off him. I felt my phone vibrate from its place, under my pillow. My friend Chris texted me. All my mind was focused on that one text. He said he didn't trust himself. I texted back of course wondering what the hell he was going on about. He said that he didn't want to live anymore. That he was nothing to the world. I tried to say that he was more than that but he didn't listen. I told him some of my story. That I can understand his pain. Told him enough to show that life does hurt but not enough for him to know about my dad. Chris didn't even listen. Didn't even respond to what I said. I know I shouldn't have been disappointed that he didn't care about what was going wrong in my life. No one ever cared. But we kept talking. What Chris didn't know is that I was crying through this whole thing. Chris didn't know that I had liked him more than a friend. Which was hard for me to admit to myself. My dad was a homophobe and aimed to make me one too. So much pain for one little idea. When I told Chris I liked him, I made him promise that he would never kill himself. It was the only thing I hoped for. Chris asked me why I liked him. After all this, why I liked him after finding out how fucked up his life is. I didn't answer his question. I said that I didn't want to say, considering that he doesn't like me back. He didn't ask again. But that really hurt. I thought he might have liked me back. I knew Chris was gay and he always acted different around me. Even before I liked him, he always acted like he liked me more than a friend. My dad met him once. You couldn't even tell that my father was something less than the nicest man on earth. He acted so different when viewed by other people. He turns into a completely different person. He met Chris and thought we were dating, which of course we weren't. He had never been so mad before. He kicked my door open. He tied me to the bed. I was naked, lying on my stomach. Next thing I know, I can feel his breath on my neck. "This is what you get if you're going to act gay you fucking disgrace." I could feel something getting jammed into me. Pleasure ripped through his body as pain ripped through mine. I shut my eyes. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to feel. All I wanted to do was disappear. If I was invisible he couldn't hurt me. After a while he collapsed next to me. Angry tears streamed down my cheeks. When I woke up that morning, he was gone and I was untied. I got into the shower and scrubbed myself clean. I ripped at my skin and turned the shower as hot as it could go. The filth of him never goes away. I can always smell it. Feel it. That terrible thought always in my mind. Clawing to get out._

I drove to Owens flat and jack was in the passenger seat. When we got to Owens, which by now was like my second home, I told him the story. Jack and he just listened, like they always do. Their faces looking even sorrier as the story goes on. Jack would just hold me. Jack always heard my stories and expected me to cry. But it never usually happens. I have no more tears left.

"I'm going to kill your father. No one should ever go through that!" Jack said seething mad.

"You know, my father's already dead. Heart failure. He went into cardiac arrest and there was no one there to help him. I came home one day, and he was lying there. Dead on the ground. I was 19. Already started moving out. I only came back for the last of my stuff." Ianto said. He didn't look happy or sad when saying this. Just as unemotional as always. They talked a little bit more but Ianto and Jack ended up going home a little while later. Jack decided to stay over at Ianto's flat that night. Jack could feel Ianto shaking as he slept. He kept whispering _No dad! Please don't. I'm sorry!_ Jack pulled Ianto closer and tried to ignore the pleas for help that came from his cariad.

A/N- Didn't get to revise, have to sleep. Hope you can understand and love my story. Hehe. Anyway review, favorite, follow and cariad means darling/sweetheart in Welsh.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer- don't own Torchwood, I'm working on it though :)

A/N- DON'T HURT ME! I'm so sorry, it's been like a month. I've just been so tired and I didn't want to post shit so here's your chapter, love you

Ianto stumbled into the room with Jack following behind him.  
"Owen, I left him alone for five minutes and look what happens. Only five minutes and he's already drunk off his ass."  
"I'm fine. Look. Ok. I'm fine. I swear." Ianto said as he started the spin in circles and then fell to the he ground. Jack bent down and collected Ianto into his arms and pulled him upright again. "Owen, see I'm fine."  
"Yeah, course you are Ianto. Never looked better."  
"Gimme a hug Owen."  
"Jack... Am I like this when I'm drunk?" Owen asked.  
"No you tend to flirt with anything in sight. Once you told a pick up line to a rock. It was fucking hilarious." Jack responded laughing at the memory.  
"Come on Owen, I wanna hug."  
"No Ianto I'm not giving you a hug." Owen kept refusing and eventually Ianto started crying.  
"Aw Ianto, why are you crying?" Jack asked.  
"Because Owen won't gimme a hug!" Ianto sobbed.  
"Fine, I'll give you a hug!"  
"I don't wanna hug now!" Ianto responded and fell back onto the floor. Jack sat down with him and propped himself up on a wall with Ianto in his lap. Ianto cuddled into Jack and a flashback made it's way through his drunken stupor.  
_Ianto Jones, 14 years old  
I don't know what it's like to be a normal child. Everyone feels they know what's best for me, all the teachers know why I'm not like all the other children. Some say it's because I was home schooled for a long time before being allowed into public schooling. Some say it's a phase. Others say that I am obviously doing drugs or something. But I know the real reason. I don't think I had anyone there in my life to love me. My mum was the only one. I was only little before she died but I remember everything about her. About my life with her. She used to read me a story and give me a hug before bed and my dad would come in and shut off my light. He said he would scare away the monsters that I always thought were hiding in my closet. Then she died and so did the stories and the hugs. Eventually, my dad was the monster hiding in my closet. My close friends didn't know much about me. They always tried to make me feel loved and wanted. But if that were true, our friendship would have never died out like it did. I blame myself for it. Maybe dad could have loved me if I just tried a little harder. I'm sorry that everything I do isn't good enough. I'm sorry that I'm not the child you wanted. I'm sorry that I make mistakes. I'm sorry that I hate a life I know I deserve. I'm sorry that you can't love me for the person I am. I'm so sorry. _

"Do you love me Jack?" Ianto asked, desperately wanting to hear those words for the first time. The first time when it meant something.  
"Love doesn't even begin to describe what we have Ianto. With you by my side, forever won't be too long." Ianto looked up at Jack and then back down. He started to cry silently into Jack's shirt. "I love you Jones, Ianto Jones. More than you could ever imagine."

* * *

Ianto was leaned over Owen's toilet puking his guts up. Jack was beside him rubbing his back and singing a song that was in a foreign language. A language foreign to earth of course. After a while Ianto passed out beside the toilet but they didn't want to move him because they knew he was just going to throw up again anyway. They put his suit in the wash and used a towel as a pillow for Ianto. While Ianto slept for a bit Jack and Owen sat outside on the floor. Owen was pretty sure that Ianto was going to start vomiting in his sleep and the last thing they needed was poor Ianto choking on it. Neither of them could fall asleep so they stayed up and started talking.  
"You don't know how many nights I have spent on the floor of that bathroom just like Ianto is now." Owen said chuckling slightly.  
"Don't you have anyone to help you. I don't think Ianto could even get through tonight without us. I mean, who else is going to clean up his puke?" Jack asked smirking.  
"Nah, don't need anyone. All I do is drink till everything's numb, fuck, and then hope that Tosh doesn't find me dead in the morning. I mean seriously death by vomit doesn't exactly sound beautiful. Of course before I drink I like to pray that my liver doesn't give out before everything else does." Owen responded.  
"I've had plenty of nights like that. I used to drink myself to death a long time ago. And I literally mean death. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I can count. It got really bad because I'd treat my alcohol poisoning with more alcohol. I decided to stop when I woke up one day and couldn't remember anything. I ran around town trying to find something, anything to remember. I ended up passing out in a horse stable. Woke up in jail because they thought I was stealing. Now you'll never see me drink like that again." They both heard Ianto start coughing again so the went to see if he was okay. An hour later Owen said that Ianto was probably done vomiting now. Jack got a pillow and a blanket and slept next to Ianto and Owen went to his bedroom to sleep. Jack sang Ianto a song that originated on the Boeshane peninsula before he fell asleep himself.

A/N- more up soon I promise... Please review favorite and follow me because your reviews actually do help me. And when you don't review it makes me sad. also sd4ianto your reviews always make me smile :)


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